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Oh boy, how to start. Indecisiveness is a trait of mine, which feels like I mastered like nobody else. I always have my doubts about everything and anything. From big decisions to small ones. Like: What notebook to pick in a store. The big one or the small one. What study to pick. Eh, yes. Let’s stop there. Let’s zoom into that one. Choice of study, and indirectly the question: What do I want to do with my life? That is my big pitfall.

Last year I started studying medicine and I stopped because I didn’t enjoy myself at all. This year I started nursery school and once again, not enjoying myself. It’s a bit better than last year, but still a big part of me really feels like this isn’t the study and the job for me. So yesterday I had to make a big decision. If I stopped before the 1st of february, I would get the money back for my second half year in school (which I wouldn’t attend then). If I stopped on the 1st of february or later in the year, I would pay for the whole schoolyear and I wouldn’t get back any money at all. So a tough decision. For my life ;-)and also a bit for the money. I have been going crazy with all kinds of thoughts yesterday and eventually, half an hour before the deadline, I decided that I would stay in school. Last year when I stopped I worked a lot and spent the summer in Spain. The year before that I also worked and I went to Australia. Before that I was in high school. But right now, when I finish the first year, I will receive a paper. At least I will feel like I accomplished something. Even though working and traveling can be so good, I still want that piece of paper. I will enroll at a councelor/advisor though, just because I don’t know what I want to do with my life and probably study something else next year. Probably something totally different and not linked to health and all that stuff.

When I look around, I sometimes feel like I am the only one who’s struggeling like this. I always was a good student in high school, but somehow after that, my certainty about life and all its aspects changed.

I don’t think the indecisiveness will ever fully go away. But I can say, I’m proud I made a choice yesterday.  I hate the feeling of regret and I think that’s why I always struggle with making decisions. I don’t want to disappoint or be a disappointment. Maybe in the future, I shouldn’t be as afraid anymore to make faults.

Wow! Long story. I really needed to write this down, to clear my mind. The main message: I don’t know what I want to do with my life and I’m 20, but that is just the way it is. Hopefully I will find answers soon, and if not, then I will try to enjoy my time in the meantime doing other stuff, like blogging & playing piano, from which I can get real joy.

write

 

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